I hate the feeling of numbness. I went to the dentist the other day and got two cavities filled. I guess that’s what you get for not going to the dentist in over a year and always forgetting to floss. I had it coming. So, of course they numbed my cheek/gum area, which was super weird. I tried pinching my cheek and felt nothing. I tried smiling and the right side of my face did not respond. I felt like I’d been paralyzed or something. I’m glad I didn’t take up the dental hygienist’s offer for the laughing gas. The idea of it freaks me out.
After I left the dentist, the numbness continued for several hours. It was weird kissing Eden and only feeling the left side of my lips against her skin. I felt like everyone could see the right side of my face just hanging down. I was happy when the numbness finally dissipated.
Now, I should mention that there are times when being numb is awesome. Exhibit A: giving birth. SO glad I got an epidural. My contractions were just starting to hurt when I got it. I’m glad I didn’t have to feel that pain for the next several hours. Still, the numbness felt (or didn’t feel) weird. I couldn’t hold my legs up or feel them at all. James and a nurse would have to hold my legs when I was pushing. I couldn’t feel Eden’s head coming out because I couldn’t feel anything at all. It was harder to know when the push. In fact, I couldn’t feel my legs well until the day after giving birth. And then I kind of had to learn how to walk again.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: I’ve never felt like more of a baby than when I had a baby. Those of you who have been there know what I mean. You lose all control of your bodily functions. You have no control over your emotions either, both happy and scared (especially when they whisk your baby off to the NICU). And that’s what I think of when I think of “numb”: No control.
When I think of “numb,” I also think of the Linkin Park song of the same name. Some lyrics that stand out to me are as follows:
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I can kind of relate to the lyrics of this song. Not so much now, but when I was in high school. For the most part, my parents were very loving and supportive. But sometimes, with school and all the extracurriculars, I felt a lot of pressure. I felt like I had to be perfect in all aspects of my life, and I definitely wasn’t. And now I’m beginning to accept that.