The Green Family

I got my Christmas present from James early. He got me an Amazon Kindle. If you haven’t heard about Kindles, you should check them out. A Kindle is a wireless reading device, kind of like a large and thin PDA that holds up to 1,500 books. You can buy books in PDF form online, and there are lots of free books to choose from, too. The free books are older books, for which the copyright laws have already expired. For example, some of the books on my Kindle that I am looking forward to reading include: Anna Karenina, Oliver Twist, Mansfield Park, The Jungle, 1984, etc. What a great way to store and read all of these classics!

Another book I have on my Kindle is A Little Princess. I have always loved the movie, as well as the song, “Kindle My Heart.” I haven’t seen it in a long time. I keep looking out for it on TV. I guess I could find it online. Technology is amazing.

I hate the feeling of numbness. I went to the dentist the other day and got two cavities filled. I guess that’s what you get for not going to the dentist in over a year and always forgetting to floss. I had it coming. So, of course they numbed my cheek/gum area, which was super weird. I tried pinching my cheek and felt nothing. I tried smiling and the right side of my face did not respond. I felt like I’d been paralyzed or something. I’m glad I didn’t take up the dental hygienist’s offer for the laughing gas. The idea of it freaks me out.

After I left the dentist, the numbness continued for several hours. It was weird kissing Eden and only feeling the left side of my lips against her skin. I felt like everyone could see the right side of my face just hanging down. I was happy when the numbness finally dissipated.

Now, I should mention that there are times when being numb is awesome. Exhibit A: giving birth. SO glad I got an epidural. My contractions were just starting to hurt when I got it. I’m glad I didn’t have to feel that pain for the next several hours. Still, the numbness felt (or didn’t feel) weird. I couldn’t hold my legs up or feel them at all. James and a nurse would have to hold my legs when I was pushing. I couldn’t feel Eden’s head coming out because I couldn’t feel anything at all. It was harder to know when the push. In fact, I couldn’t feel my legs well until the day after giving birth. And then I kind of had to learn how to walk again.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: I’ve never felt like more of a baby than when I had a baby. Those of you who have been there know what I mean. You lose all control of your bodily functions. You have no control over your emotions either, both happy and scared (especially when they whisk your baby off to the NICU). And that’s what I think of when I think of “numb”: No control.

When I think of “numb,” I also think of the Linkin Park song of the same name. Some lyrics that stand out to me are as follows:

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I can kind of relate to the lyrics of this song. Not so much now, but when I was in high school. For the most part, my parents were very loving and supportive. But sometimes, with school and all the extracurriculars, I felt a lot of pressure. I felt like I had to be perfect in all aspects of my life, and I definitely wasn’t. And now I’m beginning to accept that.

Today was the first big snowstorm of the season. I like snow, just not driving in it. Luckily, the freeways were cleared and I could get my mom to the airport safely and with plenty of time to spare.

When I got home, the driveway was covered with several inches of snow. I decided to shovel the driveway, which is something I hardly ever do. I did this for two reasons: 1) the longer the snow stays on the driveway, the more compact it becomes, and therefore, the harder it is to remove; and 2) I knew it would make James happy and he wouldn’t have to do much or anything at all when he came home.

I’ll tell you, I definitely worked up a bit of a sweat from the exertion. I’m sure it’s gotten harder since we’ve added the addition onto our driveway. There was a lot of snow to clear! Here’s the proof:

Today is my birthday. I am twenty-three. James tells me that I’m old now. I just say that he’s older. As I mentioned in a previous post, birthdays have lost their luster for me. No parties, no toys, no pin-the-tails…and that’s fine, that’s another phase of life. In the past few years, it’s seemed more and more that birthdays are a time for recollection and review. What have I done in the past year of importance? How has time ruled my life? I think about things I’ve accomplished, things I regret.

When I was 16, I made a list of things I wanted to do before I die. Now, hopefully I’ve got a lot more time before that comes, but I also like to see progress. I’ve included the list here and indicated whether I’ve completed each task.

• Fly a kite.
• Design my own clothing. Check
• Learn how to ride a bike using no hands.
• Go to all states and every continent.
• Find my true love. Check
• Go to Prom. Check
• Graduate from High School with Honors. Check
• Write a published book.
• Produce a music album.
• Read “Phantom.”
• Compose a song on the piano.
• Appear on television.
• Fall asleep on the beach. Check
• Bathe in the moonlight.
• Cuddle at a bonfire. Check
• Learn to drive. Check
• Go rockclimbing. Check
• Go to the Grand Canyon. Check
• Go on a mission for my religion.
• Memorize “The Articles of Faith” again.
• Temporarily dye my hair a weird color.
• Go to a real spa for a facial, manicure, massage, pedicure, etc. Check
• Graduate from college. Check
• Room with my best friends. Check
• Write a missionary. Check
• Memorize sonnets. Check
• Go sledding/ ice blocking at Rock Canyon Park. Check
• Visit my grandpa’s old cabin.
• Record my grandpa’s life history.
• Go out on an actual date. Check
• Be buried in autumn leaves. Check
• Start engaging myself in art again.
• Waking up to watch the sunset on the Point. Check
• Press as many flowers and leaves as I can.
• Make an igloo out of snow.
• Go snowmobiling. Check
• Kayak to Goat Island.
• Go to every Hawaiian island.
• Become bilingual.
• Help a stranger. Check
• Not take Hawaii for granted. Check
• Visit with old friends. Check
• Be surprised at my own birthday party.
• Kiss in the pouring rain. Check
• Teach my brother to type.
• Marry my perfect eternal companion. Check
• Become a mother. Check
• Work in a homeless shelter.
• Make a scrapbook. Check
• Grow a garden.
• Buy a hammock. Check
• Learn to wakeboard/waterski. Check
• Receive my Young Women’s Recognition award. Check
• Keep in touch with all kin.
• Go to the temple. Check
• Eat seafood and cheese. Check (cheese)
• Go scuba diving.
• Go on a shopping spree.
• Get colored contacts.
• Stay out of debt. Check
• Fly. Check (indoor skydiving is the coolest)
• Babysit for free. Check
• Gain eternal life.
• Become who I am.

Not bad, not bad. How does that saying go? I’ve come so far, but I’ve still got so far to go. And that’s good.

Now, to celebrate my “old” age, a song by Yellow Card, “Twenty-Three.”

I got to tell you that he waited all his life

For someone like you to come make the wrong things right

I know he didn’t have the answers all the time

But you can’t tell me that you’ve never told a lie

We’re almost twenty-three and you’re still mad at me

So much that I said to you and I want to take it back now

Twenty-three and it’s so sad to me

You tell the world I’m dead to you

But I know you want me back now

Was it fun for you to watch him fall apart? (Watch me fall)

And suffocate him while you held him in your arms (in your arms)

I swear to … I wish he never let you in (let you in)

And I just hope we never hear from you again

We’re almost twenty-three and you’re still mad at me

So much that I said to you and I want to take it back now

Twenty-three and it’s so sad to me

you tell the world I’m dead to you

But I know you want me back

Wasted on you (wasted on you)

Wasted on you (so much time I’ve)

Wasted on you (wasted on you)

Wasted on you

On you

On you

Twenty-three and you’re still mad at me

So much that I said to you and I want to take it back now

Twenty-three and it’s so sad to me

You tell the world I’m dead to you

But I know you want me back now